TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from place. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable drinking water. But Sure, confident, let's have another position where American Guys can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide Everybody a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It really is that he need to quit working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the job, replied, "You recognize, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head visible from Room, a feature staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps Trump Tower Damascus the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Approach: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "the place's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting interest from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel in which my PTSD can have switch-down services."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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